A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work
Friday, September 11, 2009, 11:10 AM - Jokes
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

My stigmata's acting up.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

Source Office Jokes And Humor

You Might Be A Fisherman If
Friday, September 11, 2009, 11:06 AM - Jokes
You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because
you think it makes a good air freshener.

Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.

You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".

Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.

You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.

You name your dog "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".

You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.

You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.

You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.

You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.

You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.

You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.

Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.

You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.

Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone.

Source Sports Jokes Humor And Satire - Fishing

Alligator Warning
Thursday, September 10, 2009, 10:50 AM - Jokes
The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisianna is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

Source Animal Jokes, Humor, Satire And Humorous Anecdotes

Disorderly conduct
Thursday, September 10, 2009, 10:47 AM - Jokes
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: What were you doing?

1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

Judge: And what were you doing?

2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

Source Police Jokes, Humor and Satire

Honk If You Love Jesus
Wednesday, September 9, 2009, 10:59 AM - Jokes
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Source Honk If You Love Jesus - Car

Football One Liners
Wednesday, September 9, 2009, 10:55 AM - Jokes
Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.

Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.

As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."

Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.

We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.

I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.

He's so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.

The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too."

Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first."

I say let's make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.

Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, "I'm not complaining, girls, but look at the work they're doing next door!"

The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.

The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.

Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.

I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, "Make a wish!"

Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.

Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.

We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this."

That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.

We have lots of veterans on this year's squad. Too bad they're all from World War II.

The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.

They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.

Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."

I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.

I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.

"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."

You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.

Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.

We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.

This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.

This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.

The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"

He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.

Source Sports Jokes Humor And Satire - Football


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